adoloras.uk

the text wall the text wall the text wall the text wall the text wall the text wall the text wall the text wall the text

This week I started drinking. I would say drinking again but it was never in earnest. It is now. On Monday I drank like an adult. Tuesday I was sober pretending to be a child again, but the net’s gone now. I’m cashed in for two drinks a night, a pack of straights, my children and the garden fence. So I make two vespers, and drink both. … Fleming has his vesper with Smirnoff, Gordon’s and Kina. Ten years later he comes back objecting – it was never a good drink. But I was drinking it, and on the double. I make it with Whitley, Gordon’s and Mattei; 40,30,20. Cold. Summer has its cans of warm, flat, beer, and I have this. It is what my suit was, or my drugs were, or it’s neither. It’s a drink. I drink it. My head goes flat like radio (someone else said that…) and I start looking for a church. Not that I want to pray. I want to see who’s left the organ open. Two drinks and this is adulthood. The bartender had smiled at me, and I ”REMEMEBER” that. I remember, the rings of rare design. I remember… the look in your eyes. He didn’t just smile he had me for dinner. Or for an evening. It was over as soon as nothing, and over everything; the waiter when he smiled… was it the waiter? The server… or the boy… or man smiled. and I went looking for the church. WAS I TO BE RIB HERE. I cough. I didn’t sleep– he ravaged me. he smiled. and why? the bastard is. I’m dwindling for that. The church has candles and I light them and I blow in them (I found a church (and where he is not there.)) Only I knew where I was and how to get there, like the childhood-girlhood me imagined life would be– that it would come about — so even-handed. A drink in each. A drink in each, and men, and checked at customs. Double barrel all but fill me in ; posh boys. I wonder if he went to school… but what’d he take ME for? the fuel. I forget what boy, what man is like, and what he eats. I imagine it at the house of him, her at the house, I imagine pronouns in places clearly. I imagine drinks and when they come (I know when they come, the time is all recorded) — something in me chose appointed hours; to have her vesper and be had by him.